The Idea is not to have your heart in a pitcher to be poured out in the first place.

So, I definitely made some lemonade this weekend.

And by lemonade, I mean a mixture of my emotions.

Yeah. So, I've been having trouble with them (the emotions) lately...well..always. But, I do feel it's more so lately because of my awareness. (I got that from a Kerry Cohen book, she says,

"Awareness has replaced the desperation... I don't react to the pain anymore. ...I'm now able to feel it and know what's causing it without feeling compelled to do anything about it.")

So yeah....back to my lemonade emotions... I definitely poured them out, and all over, and everywhere, and made a mess. I cleaned it up a little, I have pretty decent paper towels, but I remember the spill.
It went something like, "I want you."

And the response was something like, "I can't."


Now, I'm not into dealing with married men, or people under other unforeseen obligations, and just to let you know...I wasn't. He's not married nor obliged by anything unforeseen except what everyone else is unforeseenly (I know this is not a word, but it expresses my point best) obliged by.

He is however in a state where he has set up his own rules to accept the terms of others on, and basically, I broke one of those rules....not in the lemonade incident, but quite some time before.

Well, we all have our ups and downs and foes, and friends, and mistakes. And if this mistake involved a bed (or other things that should be done in one) I could see the reasoning.

But it didn't,
So I can't.

The funny thing is, this isn't the first time someone has told me "I can't." I have a personal hatred for this phrase now.... And...I feel like a fool:

all this time, I've been overlooking peoples major flaws (with the exception of my father) when everybody else hasn't. This simple epiphany has stunned me to the point of pissed-ness. I am kind of ....fucking ....Pissed. I've been doing this within friendships and relationships for quite some time now, and I've been feeling like a complete fool for most of the last year and a half. I even told a few people.



Fucking foolish.

Karma, my ass.

Treat people how they treat you.
Protect yourself.
And... The idea is not to have your heart in a pitcher to be poured out in the first place.

I just have so many pitchers around here.
What am I supposed to do with all these?